Hazard ahead

So much of what I can do
is blocked off in the road.
A woman in a orange vest
directing me where to go.
I sit and sit, and wonder
how bumpy is this road
is it better to go back
or should I advance forward.
Will my car survive the bumps
can I even make it down this street?
oh... oh..
I guess we will never know.
as the woman in the orange vest
was just hit by an orange vespa.

noose in a tree

I guess i'll go another way
for now I know I mustn't stay.
The wrongs and the rights,
all float about like a noose in a tree.
It should've been clearer to me.
I guess i'll flee
run away from you all
i've lost all my faith
i've lost all my friends
some days it seems like the end
is this the end.
The worlds got the best of me
are skies still blue?
there's a subtle hue
covering up my existence
foggy and dull
like my brain
I hide the depression with exhaustion
and sink into my bed of nothingness

The daydream continues

I don’t know who i am or where i’m supposed to be
Daydreaming through life
Feeding on the pills
The doctors tell me, “these will make you better”
I am inside my head I can’t hear you
You don’t exist I exist and I am miserable 
They say the brain named itself,
The brain is powerful
How powerful can something that causes so much pain
and misery and hopelessness  Really be ?
Powerful enough to make you hateful
Hate your family, hate your friends, disconnect
Reconnect, disconnect.
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
My life needs a reboot 
But the powers run out, and the cord is gone
If this is where i’m supposed to be
How did I get here, and how do I get back

Back to how things should be, back to missed opportunities
Relationships, lovers, friends, family
I’ve never had any of that, how will I get something I can’t have.
Feed me more lies, feed me more pills

The daydream continues.

Life is a blur

This time of my life is a blur
Looking back, years from now
At this year, 23, I will not remember anything 
Significant  I will remember self hatred, pain, suffering, and misery 
I will remember the friends I didn’t have, the loneliness
The sorrow of happier times
I know i’ll remember the bad, and pity this time of my life.
I know i’ll regret not doing more by 23, and during 23 and after 23.
Looking back at high school, I view a much different me. 
I see a pretty, skinnier girl, confused, but hopeful.
At the time I was even more depressed, and confused and miserable.
But I was healthier and seeking stability.
I really fucked up my life.
 I have a lot to fix.
But I've also fixed a lot.
I’ve come a very long way, a very windy, bumpy road. 
But looking back, I've come closer and closer to the me 
I’ve always wanted to be.
My high school self would be impressed with parts of me today.
But also very disappointed. Missed opportunities, money management, life lessons.
Learning everything the hard way, and learning things the wrong way
Make for a very miserable being.
My mother instilled a lot of hatred and doubt in me.
But it wasn’t necessarily her fault.  Hateful people raise hateful people. 
That's the way life goes.  I’m slowly learning, and that's OK
As long as i’m learning.
I find myself disconnected from this hateful world
The news, the Facebook posts, the media
It's all very scary, everyone is terrified, and acting irrationally. 
No one knows what they are doing,  and its made for a very chaotic existence
To disconnect from the disconnected is very lonely
You can’t talk to people and make friends unless its online,
No one wants to talk on the phone or meet in person.
There's no 3am phone calls, no support, no spontaneity
Just the people we pretend to be, and try and make up for in person.
If i’m not who I pretend to be, who am I. And why am I here.
I find myself asking more questions and getting less answers.
Because unlike most my age, I read, and write, and paint, and desire a better existence 
Than what is provided. Most people pretend to care, but only for views, or likes, or heart emojis.
If technology disappeared one day, Facebook died, selfies and Instagram were nonexistent,
 happiness would soon follow.
We are depressed, so fucking depressed.
Feeding off the lies, eating the pills, shooting up,  guzzling the poison, smoking the earth.
We can’t handle being human, and it hurts us. 
We all hurt so much. It’s a strange and scary life.  And we are lost. 

But can we be found again?
 August 2018

Bane of my existence

They say the best art comes from pain  
I don’t know if I believe that  
But I do know that most of my paintings  writings, and photos come from  
A very unhappy place.   
Also who are “they”  
Do they hurt, and cry, and bleed?  
Do they understand how miserable a life can be?  
And how did “they” spread this around?    
I don’t know if the best art comes from pain.  
But I do know the bane of my existence is pain  
And that writing and painting and carving it out of myself 
Like blood on a wrist  
Is where my art exists    
Though it may be sad, it’ll make you feel.  
And for most of us, to feel is a luxury.  
The pain of our time must be felt  
Or else we will never learn from it.    
And the vicious cycle happens again. 

Stuck in limbo

Stuck in limbo
We fear the afterlife,
being stuck in one place,
doing the same thing
day after day.
But isn't that life?
We wake up,
do our routines,
eat, sleep.
And do it all over again.
Isn't life, just us,
Stuck in limbo.

Take it, take it all.

I gave you my heart
but you wanted my soul.
You take and take,
but I don't got much more.
baby please.

Take it, take it all.

I gave you my heart
but you wanted my soul.
You take and take,
but I don't got much more.
baby please.

Do you realize?

Within dead things,
there was once love.

Anyone got a light?

Why do you smoke, she asked.
When you know its bad for you.
Well dear, I don't plan on living very long.

Soul shattering

And I'd give it all away
for you
it was nothing much
at all
just
my soul.

Handheld lovers

I use to keep track of my lovers on my hand.
It started with a few fingers.
now the times I've been licked or touched
or soul shattering nights, I want to forget, is to much for my small hands to hold,
let alone keep track of.

Satisfying things

• Breaking the "crust" on creme brulee.
• Stirring the foam in a cappuccino/latte.
• Hot showers.
• The first slice of pumpkin pie, for the season.
• putting up decorations.
• painting something, and it turning out just how you wanted it. 
• When the weather starts to get crisp. 
• The smell of an old book store.
• Waking up in the morning with nothing on your agenda. 
• Buying a new outfit and feeling on top of the world. 
• Baking something, and the way the smell lingers in your house. 
• How smooth your legs are when you shave them.
• how soft your stomach is, from the layer of peach fuzz. 
• how your hair smells when its drying, after a nice shower. 
• Finding something new you like on your body (freckles, crooked toe) 
• Warm blankets, fresh out of the dryer. 

What an adventure

A lonely time
a simple coffee shop
a yearning mind
a conversation
one Q named man,
also,
an actor,
a retired rock star,
a superhero girl,
a time traveler,
and me.
Coffee sure does bring people together.





August 25th, 2017

Go.

in order to understand

You must think

You must search

You must find

It will not simply appear

Dig deep in that lustrous mind of yours

Find what your lurking for

Yearning for

Beg, plead, bargain

Get what you want

What you need

And then,

Do it again. 

Summer months

The summer before my 23rd birthday was a daydream. The summer months flew by like birds heading south for winter. I worked on a farm, surrounded by berries and peaches from morning til afternoon. I spent my days at the stand, selling fruits and veggies to willing buyers. Morning to mid afternoon the stand was slow, i'd pull out a book and read and read and read. Til most of my bookshelf was skimmed through. I started going to the library weekly, and picking out whatever caught my eye. The days were hot, and breezy, and the people sweet as our peaches. If I ever got antsy i'd pace around and put raspberries on the tips of my fingers, and eat them off one by one. During the nights I worked at a restaurant but we weren't allowed to read. So i'd sing songs or make up stories in my head, mostly I talked the servers ears off with nonsense, or ate pizza fresh from the pizza oven. The cooks loved me so I never paid for food, good for my paycheck, bad for my gut.

where to next?

People

Going going going

Where?

Why are they in such a hurry to go nowhere?

Drinking their espresso

Downing their dinners in their cars

What has America become

And where is it going.

People

      People

I can picture them, as children

Adventurous and wild

With mothers and fathers, friends and pets.

I wonder if they pictured this life for themselves

Or if they expected more.

What were there hopes?..

… their dreams?

Who did they lose

What hope caressed them and willed them

Silently to a sad life

Of nothing. 

come with me

Waiting on the outside

Party of the sun

Helplessness blues

Pay our way through

Killing the night

Soft and spoken

Rightfully true

Lost

Hanging behind

Supersonic space time

Raving in the undertow

Hanging on to you.

toxic people

Tear down my walls

I need to get better

Feeling like this

Kills me inside

Seeping thoughts

Melt away the hope of

Sunshine and happy smiles

Find a place where life still shows.

Leave this place and find somewhere new

The people here bother me

My lungs can’t take the toxicity.