Life is a blur

This time of my life is a blur
Looking back, years from now
At this year, 23, I will not remember anything 
Significant  I will remember self hatred, pain, suffering, and misery 
I will remember the friends I didn’t have, the loneliness
The sorrow of happier times
I know i’ll remember the bad, and pity this time of my life.
I know i’ll regret not doing more by 23, and during 23 and after 23.
Looking back at high school, I view a much different me. 
I see a pretty, skinnier girl, confused, but hopeful.
At the time I was even more depressed, and confused and miserable.
But I was healthier and seeking stability.
I really fucked up my life.
 I have a lot to fix.
But I've also fixed a lot.
I’ve come a very long way, a very windy, bumpy road. 
But looking back, I've come closer and closer to the me 
I’ve always wanted to be.
My high school self would be impressed with parts of me today.
But also very disappointed. Missed opportunities, money management, life lessons.
Learning everything the hard way, and learning things the wrong way
Make for a very miserable being.
My mother instilled a lot of hatred and doubt in me.
But it wasn’t necessarily her fault.  Hateful people raise hateful people. 
That's the way life goes.  I’m slowly learning, and that's OK
As long as i’m learning.
I find myself disconnected from this hateful world
The news, the Facebook posts, the media
It's all very scary, everyone is terrified, and acting irrationally. 
No one knows what they are doing,  and its made for a very chaotic existence
To disconnect from the disconnected is very lonely
You can’t talk to people and make friends unless its online,
No one wants to talk on the phone or meet in person.
There's no 3am phone calls, no support, no spontaneity
Just the people we pretend to be, and try and make up for in person.
If i’m not who I pretend to be, who am I. And why am I here.
I find myself asking more questions and getting less answers.
Because unlike most my age, I read, and write, and paint, and desire a better existence 
Than what is provided. Most people pretend to care, but only for views, or likes, or heart emojis.
If technology disappeared one day, Facebook died, selfies and Instagram were nonexistent,
 happiness would soon follow.
We are depressed, so fucking depressed.
Feeding off the lies, eating the pills, shooting up,  guzzling the poison, smoking the earth.
We can’t handle being human, and it hurts us. 
We all hurt so much. It’s a strange and scary life.  And we are lost. 

But can we be found again?
 August 2018