For Caitlin

I can never focus,
so many things on my brain.
I try to sit and watch a movie.
But all I do is stare at the screen.

My eyes wander all around the room,
I think about the things going on in my life.
I catch a glimpse of the movie.

I look over at the fish tank.
My mind wanders to when I was 8,
and I tried to save a fish from the state fair.

Back to the movie.
I can't focus.

I hear a noise outside,
my eyes search for the source.
A fat squirrel glares at me from a tree.
He must be having a bad day as well.

One last time, I look at the screen,
The movie is half way over,
all I've gotten from it is that there are two characters,
their probably in love, its probably a happy movie.

I turn it off, because I can't stand happy movies.
Not today, not this week,
maybe i'll feel better later.

Yeah, later..

A boat

The boat hovered 30 feet, in the middle of a massive lake.
If we sank, would you swim, or would you float next to me
caressing  me with your body.
We sit atop in a massive cushioned seat
 your naked body near me
I stoke your chest, with my thumb and index finger.
I try to stay in the moment, but the massive glowing stars are diverting my attention.
we make love, with passion and understanding.
I let out a sigh, and we fall asleep, hand in hand,
bodies intertwined.
I dream glowing colors, and non-existent shapes.
But your face still remains
hiding behind these fluttering eyelids.

Hot nights

Pieces of you, lying next to me.
The sweat from this hot summer night, gliding down my face.
I'm thinking of you, but are you thinking of me?
You're touching my body, but are you really near me..

Lost. Again

I don't feel anything.
Am I here?
Or is my mind

                                               Over there.

Lost in a sea of thought.

A zombie lost in the array of drugs.

stars

Its been a long day.
I rest my body on the cold, hard ground.
And look up and the illuminating stars.
Shining bright, constantly.
I can't even think things through.
So I just look up, and let my mind go blank.

sad life

oh, how unoriginal to be thinking thoughts,
that everyone else in this god forsaken place are thinking.
To wear the same shirt as 9 other people in this room.
To say the same words, and text the same emojis.
How unoriginal to live a life, that's not your own.
telling me how to live my life.
Hairstyles,
sneakers.
Latest fashion trends.
It must be sad to live such a boring life.
so
very sad

Storm

I want to explore the deepest darkest parts of your mind
and reassure you everything will be just fine.
Your ocean of tears, and quivering hands.
I'll hold you tighter, and hum away your fears.
Let the storm inside, blow away,
and ill help you, move on from
yesterday.

Him Pt.2

He kissed my quivering lips,
and all my anxiety melted away.
Goose bumps appeared all over my body,
he smiled, and slowly, inch by inch,
kissed parts of my body.
It was hard not to smile, and see how
gently he was, how careful.
Like I was glass, and he a hammer.
His strong arms pulled me closer,
his lips intertwined with mine.
I heard the rain pattering on the car roof,
and saw a sparkle in his eyes.
I knew in this moment, that I was happy.
And he was mine.

Him

I remember that,
looking at him hurt.
My heart, my soul, my eyes.
It Stung.
The way his tired eyes looked at his book,
his dimples slightly peaking through with the concentration on his face.
It pained me to stare at him,
but it was impossible to look away...

Broken little pieces

The people she surrounded herself with were broken.
Their lives were messes that she tried to fix.
Their brains deteriorating from all the drugs they took, to stay numb.
They were broken people, shattered into pieces on the floor.
She cut herself trying to pick up the pieces.
and that's when she realized,
she found comfort in the blood,
because it was familiar..
and maybe she was broken too.

Messy

Life is made up of messes, small, unholy, and unforgivable messes.

But it is rare, and very beautiful.

Life is one big beautiful mess.

Good bye love

I know I miss you,
but I don't know why.
You treated me like shit,
but you understood me.
When you kissed me, I forgot everything.
You believed in me,
then you'd tare me down.
This can't be love.
Please forget me now.

Fuck it.

She knew what she was doing was wrong,
she knew it was bad,
and that it wouldn't end well.
But as she stood there,
taking a hit,
she looked at the guy in her bed.
And she said.
fuck it.

In-sign-if-i-cant

I look up at the stars, and can't help but feel insignificant.
A trillion stars, 9 planets that we know of, galaxies, black holes,
Astronaut waste...
I am but an atom of blue,
in an ocean.
These stars shine so bright, I am dull.
I am a pin point, in an endless universe.
Insignificant
in
sign
if
i
cant. ...

Thump Thump Thump

The sun shines on my pale skin
purple, and green veins peeking through.
The heart beat in my chest, suggest that i'm alive,
but the emptiness makes me feel askew.
Life can be so lonely, we live alone, we die alone.
But if you're lucky, you'll find a person,
that makes that emptiness in your chest become
a steady heart beat.
Thump thump thump

Uneasy

There's a lump in my throat
that won't seem to go away,
thoughts of you, keep coming to me,
steadily throughout the day.
I can't seem to make this feeling go away...
As the sun progresses in the sky,
the time slowly passing me by,
wind blowing, it speaks to me, sending messages of you my way.
The angels tell me,
everything will be
OK

Table for one

Winds blowing
People passing me by.
Does the expression on my face bother you?
Avoiding eye contact, leads to being lonesome.
Empty chairs next to me, one place set at the table, my phone never rings.
If I smiled, would you talk to me, or would my usual expression scare you away?
My door bell never rings, dinner for one please.
I have a lot of time to think.
The queen bed I sleep upon, has enough room for two.
If I asked you to stay awhile,
would you?

Hollow Moon

Hollow Moon
Why do you stare at me?
I'm trying to sleep
Let me be!
My thoughts keep wandering,
and your crater filled surface
is bothering me,
that smirk upon your pale face.
I close the curtain
will you leave my thoughts be,
or peak from the shadows
and follow me?

Objectifying inanimate objects

Leaf! Leaf! In the tree
Should I stay a while?
Or let you be...
Wait. Are you dead?
Are you alive?
Should I crunch you,
and let you free
to the wind?
(Leaf Cremation)

Log In The Forest

Log in the forest
I worry you are lonesome.
Would you like some company?
You may have ticks, or bugs, a lot of insects.
But I have a few seconds I can stay.

Man With Dog

Man with dog
Will you be staying awhile?
My thoughts are venturing,
My speech is weak,
But if you stay
 A while
maybe we can
   Speak?

Evaporate into eternity

Evaporate into eternity
The universe took me by the hand.
Mother nature led the way.
The weeping willow swayed
tears were shed, but happiness peaked through,
like a glorious morning sunrise.
I don't feel empty,
But I don't feel whole.
Maybe I'm made up of everything.
Like a black hole.

Meaningless Galaxies.

If there truly are, billions of stars, and planets, and even humans.
Why do we choose only a few human beings to surround our entire existence around?
Billions of people in the world, and you choose the worst ones possible.
The ones that will corrupt your life, and make you the person you don't want to be.
You settle, because that's what humans have been doing for trillions of years.
Settling in colonies, settling in communities. All of this settling, and you know what its gotten us?
NOTHING.


You're brain might hurt after this,
But you are no more special than that spec of dust, that DR. SEUSS talks about, in "Horton hears a who." There are tons of people, and animals, and even bugs, who's lives are more meaningful than yours. And when you die, and your body rots into our earth, what will be left of this meaningless life that you lived?

Life is what you make it,
So make it fucking count.


-Lauren w. Feb 14th.

Word vomit

I don't like the person I've become..
I hate me.
All these thoughts, in my brain.
I'm going insane over here.
But you can't tell, because this smile.
this smile on my face, is hiding my non existent feelings.
my self loathing, my attention seeking.
Smile's hide a lot of things.
The pain is real, but no one seems to care.
"You just want attention" They say.
but what will they do, when you've lost your mind.
and that smile can't hide it anymore.
then one day, your brains explode on the floor.
The gun drops to the floor,
A smile won't hide the pain anymore.

um..

New year, Time for change.
But what if I Don't want to change,
What if I don't actually know HOW to change.
I have a built up need for change, but every inch
of my body is telling me to stay the same.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Anxiety runs through me,
pulsing, pulsing.
New years resolutions.
weight loss remedies
new year, new me.

I sink down in my chair, and try to hide from it all.
I feel my heart beating faster, faster.
I break down.
I start to cry..

why am I crying.
I can be who ever I want to be, and do what ever I want.
Society can't conform me into a box, like everyone else.
Screw society.

Wait... I am society.